Well, so much for form and purpose. Fuck that. When have I ever had one certain form or purpose anyway? I have purpose and from I just don't have a specific one. I don think thats necessarily a bad thing, Its just too boring to settle in on one at this point. Its like how I can't focus in on one activity fro too long. Thats why Im taking a year off. Everyone should take a year off before school, or maybe you just don't go to school. But at least then you wouldn't have paid thousands a year to get "an experience." I think the people who go straight into college from high school have a tendency to grasp on to that stupid misplaced sense of reality that they (and me) was used to. This one chick tried to tell me the other night: "You need to live your life more... you know, go out and party more."
"Oh yeah, well with all do respect fuck you." I didn't say.
Fuck is poetic expression for the unspoken mind.
Its not that I don't like people, but I've been the happiest when Im alone. Im not necessarily unhappy when Im with people, Im just happiest when Im alone. I almost like being with strangers than being with people I know. Is that weird? Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.
Maybe a couple times in a year I get this weird sensation. Its like a remove myself from Bridger and think something to the effect of "Is this really what I am? Is this really my life? I exist as this.?" And I think about what I am doing in my life right now. Like it happened today when I was in the bathroom at FFT and I looked at myself and got that feeling. Its not an uneasy or scary/stressed feeling, its more like an observing, inquiring feeling. Can that be a feeling, an emotion? Kind of like in Slaughterhouse 5 where the main character doesn't exist as his self in any one time. Its like I see my self as a character and I am reading a book and when I get that feeling its like if I were reading a book and I was able to imagine myself as that character and everything going on.
Icons on the side of my screen are jumping- so ansy. Why is Garage band jumping. This shit gives me anxiety! Emily would say. Like the dripping of the sink.
In the spring, Im going to just fucking mob somewhere in Montana. Maybe i'll die. Maybe I'll die tomorrow or in seventy years.